Monday, October 2, 2017

Las Vegas Shooting Free Write Because I Can't Manage My Feelings (apparently)

Comedians are in tears and making heartfelt speeches these days far more often than any of us would like. I remember when that was a rarity, and it held so much weight because this funny person was being serious. Somber. So we listened. Almost like a last line of defense against a world gone mad… the world is so mad now that we have no lines of defense left. Comedians cry regularly and the world is lost.


I know myself to be a person who thinks often of mortality, of living my best life, of not wasting my very brief time here. I’m actually fairly consumed by it, not that that consumption helps me to get shit accomplished… but we can talk about that another time. Point is, I think about it constantly, I am no stranger to it, and I would think I’m pretty beyond being surprised or affected by anything that reinforces the brutal truth about how fleeting life really is. But today I was. I was confronted with the very close call of my fiancĂ© being in super close proximity to a shooter who, as we take stock of the aftermath, has committed the deadliest mass shooting in American history. My man is fine, he’s ok, so, armed with that info and my ever-present understanding that all our days are numbered… I should be pretty steady, right? So why all day did I feel like all the organs that inhabit my chest cavity had vacated? Why was focus so beyond wrangling, why did I want to go back to bed, bury myself under the covers? Why, when I wandered in circles around the kitchen, trying to gather the momentum to just make some ramen, or something, did I get caught, stuck, missing Ryan? Why did opening the fridge and seeing the Tri-tip he made this weekend make me miss him so bad I teared up? And when I say “miss him” I don’t mean in that way you miss people when you have accepted their absence, but are ok with it for whatever reason; I mean miss him like the wind was knocked out of me and I wanted to just sit down on the floor in the middle of the kitchen until he came home and asked me what I thought I wanted for dinner, and we could talk about our respective days. I’d just sit still and wait. For a moment I just couldn’t think of what else I would do anyway.


Is it the same for everyone? Is it being slapped in the face with a close call, looking it in the eye and seeing that on the other side of that close call, there’s a different choice, perhaps, that could have taken him away from me forever? Is it that we spent so many damned years apart for no reason, really, besides misunderstandings, miscommunications, hurt feelings, pride… and it took so much TIME to get back to each other. So much fucking time. I already spend too much of my life sad about that, sad about shit I just can’t change at this point.
We lost at least a decade of time together… and we absolutely live in a world, a universe, where that matters not at all. Anything can happen, anyone can be taken, at anytime, and no one cares how sad you might be about lost time. I sit in my kitchen and lay on my living room floor and sink into a sadness pit of wanting to not lose anymore time with him, and knowing, just like before, I have no real control over that.


Man, I don’t even know exactly what the point is here. I’m really just rambling, trying to make sense of how I’m feeling. I barely left my house today, I got basically nothing accomplished - I did sunbathe on the floor like a house pet, and at one point, did make some decent ramen - and really sank into my emotions. Doesn’t even really matter, but god, it feels like it does. I cry and think about all the people in the world… Vegas, Puerto Rico, Syria, Spain (I’m missing plenty)… I think about my own stupid broken heart at times… life is just full of tragedies, of all sizes and types… and through all of it I see the bad people, sure… but I also see that we, as humans, are amazing, resilient, resourceful, helpful, loving, light-filled, steadfast, beautiful combustible creatures made of stardust and flawed evolution. We’re a mess, but so many of us TRY. That combined effort has to mean something more, right?

And Tom Petty died today too, which has me totally, inappropriately heartbroken. What a horrible day, from beginning to end. Another reminder… don’t dick around. Your days are numbered. Might be a high number, might be a low one - you have no way to know. So what else is there to say. Love your people big. Love all people big. Love BIG. Throw it out in the universe with abandon and hope it gets on something.