Loss and Losing - the difference

I had a friend I lost, his name was Eriq. Eriqua. Qua. He was murdered. Actually he was murdered on this very day, one year ago. I had just seen him a couple of weeks prior, and a couple of weeks prior to that, both for friends birthday celebrations. And then he was gone. One moment here, one moment gone.

This is so incredibly difficult to process, obviously on an emotional level, but for a person's brain as well. It can't keep up. It keeps making you think your friend is still out there, but you're just not seeing them right now. And then you remind yourself, or it strikes you out of the blue - NO FOOL, this person, this tangible, living, breathing, loving, nellying (in Eriq's case) hilarious being is no longer here. It takes the wind right out of you.

We had gotten some details surrounding Eriq's death, nothing I'll share here, but for me, I couldn't stop thinking about that. Creating a vague scene in my mind. I felt he must have been scared, and picturing that, my sweet friend scared thinking, this is it? this is the end? what? why?  ...broke my heart more than anything. It made me angry. It MAKES me angry. He went out to have a fun night, maybe meet a guy... and just met a really bad one. So many of us have made similar choices and not ended up dead. Of all the people, of all the ways to go... so again, processing this information. Questions. Disbelief.  Even all this time later, I don't think my brain has caught up, I still have to remind myself that it's real, really think about it. It usually makes me cry. That is loss. It is permanent, and it is irreversible.

Losing is different. You live with losing for awhile. You may not see it coming initially, but once you realize it's there, you fully grasp it. You think about what to do about it - often referred to as "this situation" - you discuss it with your friends, if you can.

I have another friend, and I am losing her. Losing her to bad choices, a bad guy, to romanticizing a seriously fucked up, unhealthy, co-dependent situation. And I am pissed about it.
It's an interesting thing, losing. Like loss, often there is really nothing you can do about it, however, unlike loss,  losing is in motion, still happening. You are watching future loss as it's being created, and you are totally helpless to stop it.

My friend, I am sure, is pissed at me. She and I may never really have a friendship again - this is yet to be seen - because of my strong reaction to realizing I'm losing her. I've had experience with this type of "situation" and I know how it pans out 90% of the time. I know she's fooling herself and everyone else by thinking and acting like it's going to work out. I am angry at her for being disloyal. I am angry at her for fucking up and feeling entitled. I am angry at her for taking my friend away from me.

I AM ANGRY AT HER FOR TAKING MY FRIEND AWAY FROM ME. and making me watch. It's the kind of shit that makes you wish you never met someone, because living through losing them hurts so much.

Loss and Losing folks. Different things, though related. Both can kiss my ass.

Wild Mountain Girl Loses Free Spirit - reward offered for safe return

I cannot in any way get to a place where I can articulate what is wrong with me which is so fucking frustrating I can't even express it - once again, can't say the words to describe the feeling.

Isolation. Lonely. Bored. Stuck. Nostalgic. Confused. Frustrated. Worried.

Put those together with some helper words and adjectives and maybe we'd have it.

I used to always have plans. And a plan. I used to be this wild little Colorado girl with adventure on the horizon and not a care or inkling of fear about what's next, what it might mean, who it could affect. Just go go go, live live live. Listen to the music, drive that car, feel the wind, drink the drinks, laugh, dance, converse. And I swore I would not lose that spirit, and it never occurred to me that it could get taken away.

I have no partners in crime anymore, and I don't know where to get some. Or if it's even appropriate to do so. Or if there is such a person or people in exsistence in this world.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just settle into life and stop feeling unsatisfied? What in the fuck am I chasing?

It is a feeling of discontent so large and off-putting that I think I might lose my damn mind. Really.

Time to go home now, for another round of the same... the same...

Friday Night/Saturday Morn

I soaked my feet in water so hot my whole body broke into a sweat. I had to wipe the condensation from between my breasts more than once as I sat there and enjoyed the heat.
I drank a beer, and read Bill T. Jones.
I thought about art, and I thought about choices.


I just deleted 5 long paragraphs that basically said - i feel like an artist and i like it. i hope i don't fuck everything up by going mainstream money-chaser on myself. again.

It's hard to be poor, it really is. This is when believing in god comes in handy, i bet.

acceptance and the weight/wait

So I haven't written a blog in about 2 years. I read all of my old posts - I liked them. I feel so foreign to that person, but I suppose that's to be expected.

In the time that's passed, I got married, turned 30, and a lot of fucked up shit happened. So what have I learned?

Acceptance. Or, I'm learning acceptance. Mainly, accepting that you are not going to be able to control things. You can't control how other people act, life or death, weather, traffic, illness or even the way you feel and react to these things on any given day the majority of the time. So I've learned to TRY to not let it affect me, to just accept that shit happens. And I've learned to take it easy on myself and not overthink or overguilt or downward spiral into depression because I don't always live up to my own standards... I looked around. Most people aren't, and I still think a lot of them are really great people. They're just human.

I've learned to accept that people are going to treat you carelessly, they will use you, or take you for granted, or not understand you, or make you feel like an asshole for not agreeing with them. They don't even know they're doing it half the time - they're dealing with their own shit... I don't always think it's necessary to take it easy on them, but it is important to realize their actions don't speak to the quality of person I am. That is almost indeterminable in this world I think, but I know I do alright...

I think I am a much sadder girl... woman... than I was before. There is a certain level of tiredness and melancholy that lives in my chest that wasn't there before (even though I think I thought it was) - not sure if this feeling is renting or has a mortgage. I've never been good at the details.

I have felt like a fool... I do still I guess. And a failure, and undesirable. I am full of questions. I question my friendships... I question almost every relationship I have - family, friends, co-workers, professors, dancers, myself. I have a lot of disappointment and lost trust.

I see people running around and they are innately happy and I think - HOW DO YOU DO THAT? - and then, I think, some of these people are just fucking with us. And they could be, you never know...

Heavy

I'm always thinking how short life is and never doing anything about it. I have so much I'm going to do, and haven't done.

I know when I stalled out, I should get extra credit for that.

Seriously, what do I do? How do I do? When did I get scared (I said I knew when I stalled out, not when I got scared, that happened sometime after)?

I can tell you... I don't wanna be doing this all day everyday. This does not fill in the gaps for me (even though there is A LOT of free food here).

I wanna be outside when I feel like it, and work on things I care about, with my hands, and my brain and my heart, and feel free, and be free. That's what I want to do with my life.

I gotta make that happen soon, really, I do. I just gotta. I used to be that girl. I want to be that woman.

My chest hurts...

WORK, turn to your left?

SOOOO, I'm gonna hold off on the techno-hate rant for right now... I need to be in a really focused mood to make that work, especially since I'll be blogging about it, which in and of itself makes me kind of a hypocrite -- hey man, I'm not a fucking freedom fighter, I can't escape the wave, I'm just trying to slow the bitch down. Anyway, another day...

In other news, I'm a super model. Or not. But I did a little amateur modeling with my wedding photog, please feel free to check it out. That is not my fiance - you'll probably get the feeling we're not an actual couple from the photos. Still really cool.

http://juniperspringphotography.wordpress.com/2011/06/13/bay-area-wedding-photographer-vintage-runaway-photoshoot/

That's my second venture into modeling, the first was almost 2 years ago... a little dancing, and a section that was nude. Yes, like naked. But not nasty, get your head out of the gutter. God, you people. (?)

What else?

There has gotta be a better way, am I right? Sigh...

Summer is here and it's still cold, but at the first sign of warmth I'm going to lose my mind and want to do nothing but have fun and play outside. And why not? Because having fun doesn't pay the bills, which is bullshit.

And why does everything cost so goddamn much?

Ok, so my ex's collector's keep calling me and I'm about to pick up the phone and say, I'm not Cody Case, I don't know his number, leave me alone! Except collector's scare me and I feel safer if I don't give them access to me (in the Matrix - what?) by answering my phone. P-A-R-A-N-O-I-A.

So there's that.

Ok, back to work. See ya later.

I Sure Have A Lot to Talk About

Oh boy oh boy oh boy....

Well, sure has been awhile since I posted anything. Lately there has been sooo much in my little head, and I thought, oh shit! I might as well use that bloggy mcblogspot of mine. No one reads this bitch, but we can try to change that! Or something...

Ok, so my serious thoughts of late pertain to this -- WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE???!!! I'm real tired of self-righteousness. Real tired. There's been a few offenders as of late, and one person very specifically. I'm not going to name names... god I want to, but NO... but here's the thing. Anyone who is a close friend or family member of mine, or ESPECIALLY my fiance (heretofore known as Leo, because that's his name), can tell you: I sure can be a bitch. I have a hot temper, I'm real stubborn, I am very very good at arguing, I'm mean and I will not give up. Sarcastic, cruel, on and on. BUT I am trying to change this. as it occurs to me, I may not always be right. WHAAAATT??? Yes. Often, but not always - AND even if I AM, being right is not the most important thing! You have to look at the price your righteousness comes at - hurting people you care about, ruining bonds with people, making life (which is short) less fun or fulfilling in general. Is your nasty pride worth it? I'm finding out the answer is no. Having said that, IT'S NOT EASY. Sometimes the pride-lump in my chest is so big, I literally don't think I can get past it, no matter what my head is telling me - but the more I try, the better I do.

So, in closing on that thought - GET OVER YOURSELF, PERSON WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED! If I can do it, so can you, ya brat!

What else?

I am taking procrastination to new extremes - I'm procrastinating the shit out of my wedding organizing. Nice... fuck. Ahhh!

Also, starting to understand why people have road rage, now that I occasionally have to drive 1 1/2 - 2 hours to work. It's not cool. People are asshole-retards, you can quote me on that.

I want to be a correspondent on The Daily Show. And to be a dancer. I basically want to have fun all the time - any ideas on how to make that happen? Email Jon Stewart? The dancing thing - quit my job and dance all day (Anyone interested in funding that?)? Sigh sigh sighhhhhh

I have more to share, oh yes... it's too bad I can't blog and drive, that's when the majority of my golden ideas, thoughts, ponderings (?) come to me. For now, this is all I got for ya. I talked a lot... but did I SAY anything?

Join me next time, for a rant on how technology, though beneficial in some ways, is also killing humanity....