Heavy

I'm always thinking how short life is and never doing anything about it. I have so much I'm going to do, and haven't done.

I know when I stalled out, I should get extra credit for that.

Seriously, what do I do? How do I do? When did I get scared (I said I knew when I stalled out, not when I got scared, that happened sometime after)?

I can tell you... I don't wanna be doing this all day everyday. This does not fill in the gaps for me (even though there is A LOT of free food here).

I wanna be outside when I feel like it, and work on things I care about, with my hands, and my brain and my heart, and feel free, and be free. That's what I want to do with my life.

I gotta make that happen soon, really, I do. I just gotta. I used to be that girl. I want to be that woman.

My chest hurts...

WORK, turn to your left?

SOOOO, I'm gonna hold off on the techno-hate rant for right now... I need to be in a really focused mood to make that work, especially since I'll be blogging about it, which in and of itself makes me kind of a hypocrite -- hey man, I'm not a fucking freedom fighter, I can't escape the wave, I'm just trying to slow the bitch down. Anyway, another day...

In other news, I'm a super model. Or not. But I did a little amateur modeling with my wedding photog, please feel free to check it out. That is not my fiance - you'll probably get the feeling we're not an actual couple from the photos. Still really cool.

http://juniperspringphotography.wordpress.com/2011/06/13/bay-area-wedding-photographer-vintage-runaway-photoshoot/

That's my second venture into modeling, the first was almost 2 years ago... a little dancing, and a section that was nude. Yes, like naked. But not nasty, get your head out of the gutter. God, you people. (?)

What else?

There has gotta be a better way, am I right? Sigh...

Summer is here and it's still cold, but at the first sign of warmth I'm going to lose my mind and want to do nothing but have fun and play outside. And why not? Because having fun doesn't pay the bills, which is bullshit.

And why does everything cost so goddamn much?

Ok, so my ex's collector's keep calling me and I'm about to pick up the phone and say, I'm not Cody Case, I don't know his number, leave me alone! Except collector's scare me and I feel safer if I don't give them access to me (in the Matrix - what?) by answering my phone. P-A-R-A-N-O-I-A.

So there's that.

Ok, back to work. See ya later.

I Sure Have A Lot to Talk About

Oh boy oh boy oh boy....

Well, sure has been awhile since I posted anything. Lately there has been sooo much in my little head, and I thought, oh shit! I might as well use that bloggy mcblogspot of mine. No one reads this bitch, but we can try to change that! Or something...

Ok, so my serious thoughts of late pertain to this -- WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE???!!! I'm real tired of self-righteousness. Real tired. There's been a few offenders as of late, and one person very specifically. I'm not going to name names... god I want to, but NO... but here's the thing. Anyone who is a close friend or family member of mine, or ESPECIALLY my fiance (heretofore known as Leo, because that's his name), can tell you: I sure can be a bitch. I have a hot temper, I'm real stubborn, I am very very good at arguing, I'm mean and I will not give up. Sarcastic, cruel, on and on. BUT I am trying to change this. as it occurs to me, I may not always be right. WHAAAATT??? Yes. Often, but not always - AND even if I AM, being right is not the most important thing! You have to look at the price your righteousness comes at - hurting people you care about, ruining bonds with people, making life (which is short) less fun or fulfilling in general. Is your nasty pride worth it? I'm finding out the answer is no. Having said that, IT'S NOT EASY. Sometimes the pride-lump in my chest is so big, I literally don't think I can get past it, no matter what my head is telling me - but the more I try, the better I do.

So, in closing on that thought - GET OVER YOURSELF, PERSON WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED! If I can do it, so can you, ya brat!

What else?

I am taking procrastination to new extremes - I'm procrastinating the shit out of my wedding organizing. Nice... fuck. Ahhh!

Also, starting to understand why people have road rage, now that I occasionally have to drive 1 1/2 - 2 hours to work. It's not cool. People are asshole-retards, you can quote me on that.

I want to be a correspondent on The Daily Show. And to be a dancer. I basically want to have fun all the time - any ideas on how to make that happen? Email Jon Stewart? The dancing thing - quit my job and dance all day (Anyone interested in funding that?)? Sigh sigh sighhhhhh

I have more to share, oh yes... it's too bad I can't blog and drive, that's when the majority of my golden ideas, thoughts, ponderings (?) come to me. For now, this is all I got for ya. I talked a lot... but did I SAY anything?

Join me next time, for a rant on how technology, though beneficial in some ways, is also killing humanity....