If any tiny thing could come to my mind or if I could constantly be ready for the thoughts that fly in and out - I know some are gems, maybe rough and caked with mud, but just needing a little coercion to shine. If I could fear less. Feel fear less. I have let being afraid hinder me from so many things in this life. Purposefully in my subconscious performed sabotage on myself - if I slow everything down enough, I will not fail, just be too late - the safest thing I can do. Because if I try, then I really might fail, people might really hate what I have to offer, which is an extension of all that I am as a being in this spinning Carbon-based ball - and then what? Indisputable proof that I’m nothing. It terrifies me so much.
If I don’t try, if I don’t fail and fall and look like an asshole, well - here I’ll stay. Or worse. It’s hard to be brave.
Days like today where I feel all alone. I don’t know why either and here is how I’ve discovered you can never judge someone else’s life, especially making assumptions that life is easy for them because they have money or whatever other thing you see that you think makes it easy. People think I’m brave, and so strong, and hard, and insensitive. And that I’m always having fun, and never alone. So help me, sometimes I feel like the loneliest being that ever existed.
There are days, like today, when I just can’t muster the courage or momentum needed to even eat. Much less try to be funny or poetic or able to even find the right word right now to finish this stupid sentence.
