If any tiny thing could come to my mind or if I could constantly be ready for the thoughts that fly in and out - I know some are gems, maybe rough and caked with mud, but just needing a little coercion to shine. If I could fear less. Feel fear less. I have let being afraid hinder me from so many things in this life. Purposefully in my subconscious performed sabotage on myself - if I slow everything down enough, I will not fail, just be too late - the safest thing I can do. Because if I try, then I really might fail, people might really hate what I have to offer, which is an extension of all that I am as a being in this spinning Carbon-based ball - and then what? Indisputable proof that I’m nothing. It terrifies me so much.
If I don’t try, if I don’t fail and fall and look like an asshole, well - here I’ll stay. Or worse. It’s hard to be brave.
Days like today where I feel all alone. I don’t know why either and here is how I’ve discovered you can never judge someone else’s life, especially making assumptions that life is easy for them because they have money or whatever other thing you see that you think makes it easy. People think I’m brave, and so strong, and hard, and insensitive. And that I’m always having fun, and never alone. So help me, sometimes I feel like the loneliest being that ever existed.
There are days, like today, when I just can’t muster the courage or momentum needed to even eat. Much less try to be funny or poetic or able to even find the right word right now to finish this stupid sentence.
I've got to say that this is what I admire about you the most. Not that you are funny or talented or driven or diverse in your pursuits and interests or intelligent enough to think about your perspective. I admire those things too but this stuff is the real work that very few people are brave enough to do but is the one thing, more than anything else, that will free you from the prison that fear creates. Putting yourself out there. Not the wallowing (you do that too as we all do...), but the willingness to be exposed and feel the pain and the joy of your exploration. The alternative is to hide and conform and accept, which most of us do because it is easier and safer but also a little grayer. You choose to keep struggling and evolving and grow a little each time even though you've sabotaged yourself once again. That fear you feel is in all of us, it's what makes every accomplishment important to you. Without the struggle progress has no meaning. Honor your fear because it's what drives you to change. Pushing through it is what makes you feel most alive, so see it as a gift and a tool. And most of all forgive yourself when your fear controls you, but when you're done wallowing, get back out there. You're not alone.
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