I cannot in any way get to a place where I can articulate what is wrong with me which is so fucking frustrating I can't even express it - once again, can't say the words to describe the feeling.
Isolation. Lonely. Bored. Stuck. Nostalgic. Confused. Frustrated. Worried.
Put those together with some helper words and adjectives and maybe we'd have it.
I used to always have plans. And a plan. I used to be this wild little Colorado girl with adventure on the horizon and not a care or inkling of fear about what's next, what it might mean, who it could affect. Just go go go, live live live. Listen to the music, drive that car, feel the wind, drink the drinks, laugh, dance, converse. And I swore I would not lose that spirit, and it never occurred to me that it could get taken away.
I have no partners in crime anymore, and I don't know where to get some. Or if it's even appropriate to do so. Or if there is such a person or people in exsistence in this world.
What is wrong with me? Why can't I just settle into life and stop feeling unsatisfied? What in the fuck am I chasing?
It is a feeling of discontent so large and off-putting that I think I might lose my damn mind. Really.
Time to go home now, for another round of the same... the same...
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Friday Night/Saturday Morn
I soaked my feet in water so hot my whole body broke into a sweat. I had to wipe the condensation from between my breasts more than once as I sat there and enjoyed the heat.
I drank a beer, and read Bill T. Jones.
I thought about art, and I thought about choices.
I just deleted 5 long paragraphs that basically said - i feel like an artist and i like it. i hope i don't fuck everything up by going mainstream money-chaser on myself. again.
It's hard to be poor, it really is. This is when believing in god comes in handy, i bet.
I drank a beer, and read Bill T. Jones.
I thought about art, and I thought about choices.
I just deleted 5 long paragraphs that basically said - i feel like an artist and i like it. i hope i don't fuck everything up by going mainstream money-chaser on myself. again.
It's hard to be poor, it really is. This is when believing in god comes in handy, i bet.
Friday, May 24, 2013
acceptance and the weight/wait
So I haven't written a blog in about 2 years. I read all of my old posts - I liked them. I feel so foreign to that person, but I suppose that's to be expected.
In the time that's passed, I got married, turned 30, and a lot of fucked up shit happened. So what have I learned?
Acceptance. Or, I'm learning acceptance. Mainly, accepting that you are not going to be able to control things. You can't control how other people act, life or death, weather, traffic, illness or even the way you feel and react to these things on any given day the majority of the time. So I've learned to TRY to not let it affect me, to just accept that shit happens. And I've learned to take it easy on myself and not overthink or overguilt or downward spiral into depression because I don't always live up to my own standards... I looked around. Most people aren't, and I still think a lot of them are really great people. They're just human.
I've learned to accept that people are going to treat you carelessly, they will use you, or take you for granted, or not understand you, or make you feel like an asshole for not agreeing with them. They don't even know they're doing it half the time - they're dealing with their own shit... I don't always think it's necessary to take it easy on them, but it is important to realize their actions don't speak to the quality of person I am. That is almost indeterminable in this world I think, but I know I do alright...
I think I am a much sadder girl... woman... than I was before. There is a certain level of tiredness and melancholy that lives in my chest that wasn't there before (even though I think I thought it was) - not sure if this feeling is renting or has a mortgage. I've never been good at the details.
I have felt like a fool... I do still I guess. And a failure, and undesirable. I am full of questions. I question my friendships... I question almost every relationship I have - family, friends, co-workers, professors, dancers, myself. I have a lot of disappointment and lost trust.
I see people running around and they are innately happy and I think - HOW DO YOU DO THAT? - and then, I think, some of these people are just fucking with us. And they could be, you never know...
In the time that's passed, I got married, turned 30, and a lot of fucked up shit happened. So what have I learned?
Acceptance. Or, I'm learning acceptance. Mainly, accepting that you are not going to be able to control things. You can't control how other people act, life or death, weather, traffic, illness or even the way you feel and react to these things on any given day the majority of the time. So I've learned to TRY to not let it affect me, to just accept that shit happens. And I've learned to take it easy on myself and not overthink or overguilt or downward spiral into depression because I don't always live up to my own standards... I looked around. Most people aren't, and I still think a lot of them are really great people. They're just human.
I've learned to accept that people are going to treat you carelessly, they will use you, or take you for granted, or not understand you, or make you feel like an asshole for not agreeing with them. They don't even know they're doing it half the time - they're dealing with their own shit... I don't always think it's necessary to take it easy on them, but it is important to realize their actions don't speak to the quality of person I am. That is almost indeterminable in this world I think, but I know I do alright...
I think I am a much sadder girl... woman... than I was before. There is a certain level of tiredness and melancholy that lives in my chest that wasn't there before (even though I think I thought it was) - not sure if this feeling is renting or has a mortgage. I've never been good at the details.
I have felt like a fool... I do still I guess. And a failure, and undesirable. I am full of questions. I question my friendships... I question almost every relationship I have - family, friends, co-workers, professors, dancers, myself. I have a lot of disappointment and lost trust.
I see people running around and they are innately happy and I think - HOW DO YOU DO THAT? - and then, I think, some of these people are just fucking with us. And they could be, you never know...
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