acceptance and the weight/wait

So I haven't written a blog in about 2 years. I read all of my old posts - I liked them. I feel so foreign to that person, but I suppose that's to be expected.

In the time that's passed, I got married, turned 30, and a lot of fucked up shit happened. So what have I learned?

Acceptance. Or, I'm learning acceptance. Mainly, accepting that you are not going to be able to control things. You can't control how other people act, life or death, weather, traffic, illness or even the way you feel and react to these things on any given day the majority of the time. So I've learned to TRY to not let it affect me, to just accept that shit happens. And I've learned to take it easy on myself and not overthink or overguilt or downward spiral into depression because I don't always live up to my own standards... I looked around. Most people aren't, and I still think a lot of them are really great people. They're just human.

I've learned to accept that people are going to treat you carelessly, they will use you, or take you for granted, or not understand you, or make you feel like an asshole for not agreeing with them. They don't even know they're doing it half the time - they're dealing with their own shit... I don't always think it's necessary to take it easy on them, but it is important to realize their actions don't speak to the quality of person I am. That is almost indeterminable in this world I think, but I know I do alright...

I think I am a much sadder girl... woman... than I was before. There is a certain level of tiredness and melancholy that lives in my chest that wasn't there before (even though I think I thought it was) - not sure if this feeling is renting or has a mortgage. I've never been good at the details.

I have felt like a fool... I do still I guess. And a failure, and undesirable. I am full of questions. I question my friendships... I question almost every relationship I have - family, friends, co-workers, professors, dancers, myself. I have a lot of disappointment and lost trust.

I see people running around and they are innately happy and I think - HOW DO YOU DO THAT? - and then, I think, some of these people are just fucking with us. And they could be, you never know...